Government Announces New Ministry of Predictions Shock
News just in of government plans for a brand new ministry.
England, April 22nd 2009
News has just come in that the government is to form up a brand new Whitehall Ministry with the probable title of Ministry of Predictions.
Stung by criticism of his government's complete inability to see the current recession coming and by its equal inability to accurately foretell when it will end (beyond the fact that it will be some time in the afternoon of 4th of June 2011) the Prime Minister recently set up a committee to investigate these failings.
The committee (named the Government Information Think-tank, or GIT) was also charged with making proposals for how best to combat the impossibility of being able to foretell the consequences of anything either government or its employers, the banks, do.
The outcome of GIT's investigation was a plan for a new ministry and that plan is set to become reality next year or at some unspecified time in the future, if unforeseen circumstances should intervene.
GIT Chairman, Watt Bull (84) said, "It is a fact of life that government can never know what is going to happen tomorrow, or indeed what is happening today, and planning for the future is pretty futile mainly because Her Majesty's Government is not responsible for anything - unless of course it is something good, which it never is. Nevertheless it would be handy if we could come up with some way of at least letting the electorate know when to duck when bad things entirely someone else's fault occur. Failing that, we need to be able to show how not getting them to duck at the right time, if at all, was not our fault either. After much painstaking discussion we have decided the founding of a Ministry of Necromancy is the best way forward."
Mr Bull further elaborated that necromancy was used right through the Roman Empire's most successful period, guiding Caesar to a successful invasion of these islands and paving the way for hundreds of years of successful subjugation of Britain to a foreign power.
"The parallels with Britain's modern relationship with the United States and the Earth Emperor, Mr John ‘Centre' Rockabilly (109), are obvious" said Mr Watt. "We feel there is a kind of karmic inevitability about the whole thing."
The government's public relations guru, Joe Satan (14) told this reporter: "The Ministry of Necromancy, or the Ministry of Predictions as it will be known to the public, will be responsible for examining the entrails of dead sheep and goats and the divination therefrom of the will of the gods vis a vis the economy, national bankruptcy, putting the country up for auction and so forth."
He added that, "the sudden inexplicable appearance of Llama farms all over the country we take both as a sign and an opportunity to expand from goat and sheep entrails into the more accurate reading of Llama entrails. This was a technology successfully used by the Aztecs right up until their annihilation by the Spanish."
Government sources consider that once accuracy of prediction is elevated to over ten percent, the next step forward will be to develop the capability to actually DO something to prevent bad things happening.
"This may seem wild optimism to some," said Mr Satan, "but being able to do something about something is entirely on the cards. We are exploring the possibility of a Ministry of Hex and Spells to stand alongside our Ministry of Predictions...."
END
Coming Soon: Government Admits: "Nobody Can Be Expected to Read Entrails,' Shock.
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